Imagine your flight is delayed three hours. Or someone leaves you a bad review that you think is unfair. Or a person you live with wakes up in a foul mood and you can feel it filling the kitchen.
The first reflex, at least mine, is to push back against the thing. To argue with the airline, draft the reply, try to fix the mood. To treat the situation as a problem I can solve if I just apply enough force.
I started reading Stoicism in earnest during a period of failure and a general search for meaning. Seneca’s line about how we waste time stayed with me as a durable impression from that whole reading rabbit-hole.
But the idea I keep coming back to, the one that has been most useful, is the one Epictetus opens his Enchiridion with:
“Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions”.
The handbook was compiled by his pupil Arrian from Epictetus’s teaching, but the thought is his, and modern readers tend to call it the dichotomy of control.
A note before I go further. I’m not a psychologist or a philosopher by training, just a reader who came to the Stoics during a rough stretch and kept reading. What follows is reflection on old ideas and a little modern research, not advice, and the psychology I mention is observational, drawn from particular groups of people rather than rules about you.
The easy misreading is to hear “big things versus small things,” as if Epictetus is telling you to sweat the little stuff and let the big stuff go. I don’t think that is the cut he’s making. The cut is between what is your own doing and what is not. Your judgments, your choices, your effort, your intentions sit on one side. Your body, your property, your reputation, your job title, the outcome of almost anything — all of that sits on the other.
The slightly uncomfortable part is how short the first list turns out to be once you’re strict about it. Almost everything I would naturally call “mine,” the result of my work, what people think of me, whether a plan succeeds, is not actually in my power. As the professor of philosophy, Massimo Pigliucci puts it, the idea “basically reminds us that our agency, our ability to change things, is far more limited than we normally think.”
Years ago I tried to build a coffee business. It failed. And the part I didn’t understand until afterward was that the outcome was never really mine to control. Whether the business survived depended on the market, on timing, on a hundred things I couldn’t move no matter how hard I pushed. What was actually mine was the effort, the decisions, the work I put in each day. Those I could give fully.
The first time around I got this exactly backwards. I poured my anxiety into the outcome, the part I couldn’t touch, and the fear of failing followed me everywhere. When the thing I’d been dreading finally happened, the strange discovery was that the reality was lighter than the fear had been. Fearing it was worse than living it. I’m not romanticizing this, and I’m certainly not recommending failure as a teacher. But the dichotomy was sitting right there in the experience. The effort was mine. The result never was. Carrying the result as though it were mine just doubled the weight.
None of this is permission to stop caring or go limp. That’s the version of Stoicism that gets it wrong, the one that treats “let it go” as an excuse to do nothing. Epictetus is not saying don’t try. He’s saying try completely on the part that is yours, then release your grip on the part that isn’t. You act fully, then you stop demanding a particular result from the universe as the price of your peace.
So the freedom here is not the obvious kind. It isn’t getting more control over outcomes, more grip on the delayed flight or the bad review or the mood in the next room. It’s noticing, in the moment, which part of the thing is actually your own doing, giving that part everything, and setting down the rest.
These days, when a result I wanted slips away from me, I try to ask one plain question before I start fighting it: was this ever mine to decide? Often the answer is no. And there’s a real lightness in putting down a thing you were never holding up in the first place.
If any of this is landing closer to home than it is interesting, a good therapist or counsellor is worth far more than any old book or article, mine included.
