Thought of the week, from Hannah Arendt: “Loneliness is not solitude. Solitude requires being alone whereas loneliness shows itself most sharply in company with others.”
We tend to treat those two words as different doses of the same medicine. Solitude is a bit alone, loneliness is very alone, and both come down to the simple business of not having people around. Arendt is saying something stranger and, I’ve come to believe, far truer. They aren’t two points on one scale at all. They’re separate states, and the proof is that the worst of one tends to strike at the exact moment you’re surrounded.
The two aren’t even related
Solitude is being alone, and it can be one of the better things in a life. When I’m in it, I’m not actually without company. I’ve got myself. There’s a quiet conversation that goes on between you and you when no one else is about, and in solitude that conversation has room to happen. You think, you wander, you settle. Alone, and entirely fine.
Loneliness is a different animal altogether. It’s the sense of not being met, of there being nobody, possibly including yourself, who registers that you’re really there. And its cruel signature, the thing Arendt puts her finger on, is that it doesn’t require you to be physically alone to do its work. It does its sharpest, coldest work in a full room.
Two evenings
I can hand you both states as two specific nights.
The first was a solitary one. An evening alone in my flat, no plans, nobody about, the phone face down. I cooked something slow, read for a good while, sat out on the balcony watching the city do its restless thing. Not a word exchanged with another human for hours, and I felt full, settled, perfectly good company to myself. That was solitude. Alone, and not lonely in the slightest.
The second was a crowded one. A big party here in Bangkok, packed and loud, a whole room of people I half-knew, a drink in my hand, laughter going off all around me. And somewhere in the thick of it, a cold wave of about the purest loneliness I know rolled straight through me. Surrounded on every side, and abandoned. Everyone present, nobody meeting me, the noise widening the gap rather than filling it. The strange thing was that I’d have sworn, walking in, that a big lively night was exactly what I needed. It turned out to be the precise opposite of the cure. I left early, walked home by myself, and felt better the instant I was out the door, because being alone had never been the problem. The un-meeting crowd was.
Why we reach for exactly the wrong cure
Because we muddle the two together, we reliably apply the wrong fix. Someone admits they’re lonely and we tell them to get out more, see people, fill the diary up. Sometimes that helps. Often it makes things worse, because we’ve prescribed company for a condition that sharpens in company. It’s handing a man dying of thirst a tall glass of saltwater. More people is the right answer to a solitude you didn’t choose. It is frequently no answer at all to loneliness, and now and then it’s an accelerant.
It runs the other way too. People who genuinely need solitude, real time alone with themselves, often grow frightened of it, because they’ve absorbed the idea that all aloneness is the dangerous kind. So they stuff their lives with company to dodge a thing that would actually have done them good, fleeing solitude as though it were loneliness, and losing the one dependably restorative sort of alone there is.
The company you keep with yourself
What sits underneath Arendt’s distinction is the relationship you have with your own self. In solitude you’re alone but not deserted, because you’re still keeping yourself company, still on decent terms with the only person guaranteed to be in the room. Loneliness, in her sense, is when even that company gives out, when you’ve been deserted by everyone else and, worse, by your own self too, and that is a desertion no crowd on earth can reach. A party can’t talk you out of it, because the party isn’t addressing the actual absence. Arendt put it with a precision I can’t improve on: in solitude I am with myself, two-in-one, but in loneliness I am truly one, left by everybody. The absence is closer to home than any room full of strangers.
That reframes the whole problem. If the loneliness that bites hardest in a crowd is partly the loss of your own company, then a real portion of the cure was never out there in a bigger guest list at all. It’s in rebuilding the ability to sit with yourself, so that you turn up to the party already in decent company, and the crowd becomes a bonus rather than a frantic, failing remedy. The people hardest to make lonely tend to be the ones most at home in their own solitude, the ones who never lost the thread of that quiet two-way conversation in the first place.
Working out which one you’re in
So the genuinely useful first move, when the alone feeling lands, is to figure out which of the two has actually arrived, because they want opposite things from you. If it’s solitude you’re flinching from, the answer is to stop bolting, sit in it, and rediscover that your own company isn’t an enemy to be drowned out. If it’s loneliness, especially the sort that flares up in a crowd, the answer was never simply more bodies in the room. It’s the harder work of being properly met by a few people, and of repairing the relationship with the self that’s gone silent.
I think about those two evenings whenever I catch myself reaching for company as a cure-all. The night alone that felt full, and the crowded night that felt like being left behind. Between them they taught me what Arendt put far more elegantly, that being alone and being lonely have almost nothing to do with one another, and that the loneliest I am ever likely to be is not in an empty flat but in a bright, loud room full of people, not one of whom, myself included, is fully there. Solitude I can always go home to. Loneliness is the thing that follows me into the party. Telling them apart is the first step to not handing myself the saltwater every time.
